Wife reluctantly straps in
Just back from the depths of despair, the wife readied herself to meet a friend for her first socially distanced outdoor lunch. That meant actually dressing. It also meant trading her soft, stretchy bra for what she hadn’t worn for months: an actual bra.
“You know what that felt like?” she asked the ODD reporter. He shook his head. “Well, I’ll tell you what it felt like. It felt like being crushed in a vise!” (She tends to exaggerate.)
“They say that an estimated 80% of women wear the wrong bra size, which makes it sound like it’s our fault,” continued the wife. “There is no right bra size because all the designs and sizings are different. And who decided that breasts had to be lifted, separated, pushed up, pushed together, pulled apart, contoured, in all manner of contraptions – the bullet bra, underwire, balconette, shelf, bustier—all descended from the corset!”
“Breasts are round!” shouted the wife. “They want comfort! Comfort varies by woman! What’s with this industry?!”
The reporter cleared his throat. “So how was your lunch?” he asked.
“It felt good to get out,” said the wife.
Husband Gets “A” on Assessing Toilet Paper Burn-Rate
“My last big shop was just before the pandemic. Luckily, I got our standard block of 36 rolls of toilet paper—"
“Thirty-six rolls?” asked the startled reporter.
“Costco,” said the husband.
“When the pandemic hit, followed close behind (as it were) by a nationwide TP shortage, we had about 45 rolls,” said the husband. “I didn’t panic. I tracked our usage over several weeks. I projected that -- given our average usage of just under four rolls a week -- our hoard should last about three months. And lo and behold, my assessment of our TP burn-rate was correct!”
“Uh huh,” said the flummoxed reporter, closing his notebook.
“In a pandemic, you have to be proud of something,” said the husband.
Wife Shares Dishwasher Loading Skills
“I’m spatially challenged,” the wife confessed to ODD News. “In the only art class I ever had, I drew a tree stump that was the size of an adjacent house. I freak out when multiple signs come at me on the highway, so I spend an excessive amount of time lost.”
“One spatially related task I’m really good at, though, is packing the dishwasher. I just know, intuitively, what goes where and when. And, honestly, I feel so good when I look at all those dirty dishes so beautifully placed.”
She also pointed out that dishwashers are having a moment. “According to Houseopedia, with everybody home all the time, “your dishwasher, a coronavirus pandemic workhorse,” needs special attention. “They
offered some useful advice, like don’t block your sprayers, and some stupid advice, like start at the bottom.
“What if you dirty a bunch of glasses (e.g., zoom cocktails) before you dirty any dishes?”
Queried as to her best piece of advice, the wife said. “Don’t be afraid to rearrange--in dishwasher loading as in life.”
News from the fruit bowl
Wife to husband who was loudly eating a clementine: “Good, huh?” “Yeah,” said the husband. “And they’re old already,” remarked the wife. “Maybe they learned a thing or two,” said the husband.
News from the garage
“Take that, mouse!” So said the handy husband after installing a new garage door threshold bottom seal, a rubber strip firmly affixed to the concrete, to keep the little critters out. (The wife did notice a tiny gap on one side, but she didn’t say anything.)
News from the neighborhood
Chipmunks run amok! “You could trip over them, they get mowed down by cars, and one carted off a neighbor’s biggest tomato!” said the husband. Reports are that a bumper crop of stored acorns led to an explosion in the chipmunk population (squirrels too) that might well be back this fall, like you know what.
News from the Catskills
Peaceful Catskill life was rudely disturbed on July 20 by FBI, all manner of police vehicles, and a news drone capturing the manhunt for Roy “Babyface” Den Hollander. Read our friend Les’s gripping first-hand account of what happened on his road that day, and look for Les on “48 Hours” in December!
Tips for Surviving the Pandemic
Check out ODD’s Pandemic Playlist!
A music teacher’s original pandemic song to help her students cope makes the TV evening news--watch it here! (Make sure to set your volume high for best effect.)
Gospel singer KD French presents her pandemic original -a one-woman Gospel choir rendition of “The Fridge Again”!
Enjoy the hidden benefits of quarantine!
“When else will nobody see you for months at a time?” queried ODD fan, Frances in DC. “You can grow your hair. Shave your head. Get plastic surgery. Make up a false identity...And you know those zoom backgrounds? You can use a different one for every meeting. People will think you’re traveling!”
The Danish sensation “Borgen”, which had a huge fan base when it aired on British TV, has slipped quietly onto Netflix! This “Danish answer to ‘The West Wing” features the “unexpected and bumpy rise of Birgitte Nyborg (Sidse Babett Knudsen)” as Denmark’s first female prime minister. Addictive.
Get thee a mouth guard!
It’s not just you! Along with the wife, tons of people are chipping, fracturing, cracking and grinding their teeth and inundating dentists’ offices. Mouth guards to the rescue! Really expensive if custom made, but can theoretically get a good one OTC. Send recommendations!
Where to store your masks -- or NOT!
“Ever fearful of being caught outside without a mask, I decided to keep mine stored in my underwear,” said David in Missouri. “Turns out that's not such a great idea.” But thanks to David, here are some good ideas about where to store your mask--at home or in transit.
Hang in there...we're all in this together...and apart.
What You Said
From Mike in Mass
“Oh Jeez Louise! Anything that can make you smile these days is genius…A modern day Ozzie & Harriet livin’ in the ‘pandemoniumic’…What caught my attention was the glee over the 3-way LED lights. Well, ODD husband, your life is about to change--light bulb heaven is a click away!"
From Regina in Brooklyn
“OMG, since the pandemic started we have been at WAR with ants--inside and out -- as well as racoons, feral cats and something I never heard of before - carpet beetles! They eat carpet and clothing! Ugh!”
From famous person, in secret location
“Even here in a magical cottage, there are ants! I fully expect that after COVID, the ants will take over.”
From Susie in Washington Heights
“Good stuff! Now, if you can run something on how to get Spectrum to fix its lousy Wi-Fi (HUGE domicile issue here), your fans will become even happier!”
The Bee Hive
For NYT Spelling Bee Obsessives (we know you're out there)
Weird Word of the Week
Boogaloo - Modern-day far-right anarchist groups (e.g., Boogaloo Boys), or a dance from the 1960s, or some really offensive things that we won’t repeat here (see Urban Dictionary).
Hortatory - Urging some course of conduct or action, exhorting, encouraging; also, fun to say.
Surprise word of the Week
The debates will likely provide many of us with an unwanted emetic.
Queen Bee:12 of 21 days!