Clean Clothes Awash in Tissue Bits--Again
“What’s worse than taking clean clothes out of the washing machine, triumphant at the completion of yet another load, only to find all the clothes LITTERED WITH TISSUE BITS!” the wife shouted at our ODD News reporter. “I always take the tissues out of my pants’ pockets before I put them in the wash, so this was not my fault.”
“I’m new to tissues,” the husband responded, “since the pandemic.”
“What in the world does the pandemic have to do with tissues?” the wife asked.
“When I used to go out, I always carried a handkerchief,” explained the husband. “Since lock-down, I’ve been using tissues around the house. Then I shove them into my pants’ pockets.”
“But you keep forgetting to take them out before you toss your pants in the laundry!” responded the wife.
“It only happened twice,” said the husband. “I’m not sure both times were my responsibility.”
“I only wear gym shorts now,” the wife volleyed back. “No pockets, no tissues, no fault.”
Yes Charlotte, 3-Way LED Bulbs Do Exist!
Joyfully journeying up and down the aisles at the new Wegman’s grocery store on a hunt for the aluminum foil, the husband found himself face to face with what he’d been wanting for years: “3-way LED light bulbs!”
“I’d been saying for a long time how great LED bulbs are,” the husband told ODD News, “and that it’s a shame they don’t make them in 3-ways. Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there they were!” [Fact check: They’ve been around since 2013—he just didn’t know.]
The wife tried to share his enthusiasm, but she never cared about bulbs and has no idea what LED even means. She did find his buying just two bulbs a head scratcher, since they needed more like five. But then she realized, he’s not one to rush into things. It took them seven years to get married.
Questioned as to the quantity, the husband said: “We’ll have to see how these bulbs work out.”
Ants in the Sink!
“We have ants, so many ants, living large in our upstairs bathroom sink!” the worried wife told ODD News. “We usually have some ants in the kitchen in the spring, but never like this, never now. Maybe it’s pandemic-related?”
In fact, ants are giants among species at surviving plagues. According to Discover Magazine, “to ward off diseases in the nest,” ants social distance. They wash their multiple hands and feet (and their partners’ multiple hands and feet) regularly. They force unhealthy brethren to quarantine, far away from base camp.
“Well they’re not social distancing right now in my sink,” the wife said. “It’s disgusting.” But, she confessed, it’s also fascinating. “Those little tiny creatures, they’re all crowded in there together. They march around in pairs. They have all that freedom. I think they’re just showing off.”
News from the kitchen table
“This coarse salt is really coarse,” said the husband, approvingly. “It’s also really salty.” Earlier in the week he’d marveled at the “grape color” of the red wine. Asked what she thinks these observations might mean, the wife said: “They mean we have to get out more.”
News from the front porch
“What do you think is funny right now to working parents with young kids heading off to school, part-time, full-time, who-the-hell knows how much time?” the wife asked the husband, as she gazed at the elementary school across the street. “Funny? Nothing, absolutely nothing,” said the husband.
News from the wife’s library
Concerned about her troubled mindset, the wife googled symptoms of anxiety and found one she’d never seen before: “uncontrollable over-reacting.” “Aha!” she exclaimed. “My resting state.”
Update from the yard
Put down weed killer.
Good news: The weeds are gone.
Bad news: There’s hardly any grass.
Tips for Surviving the Pandemic
Embrace the Pandemic Dip
“Some days, the depression that’s been sneaking up on you grinds you into the ground,” said the husband. “It comes, then it goes, then it comes again. It feels like this,” he explained, making an wavy up-and-down motion with his arm. I call it the pandemic dip.”
Perfect the art of staring blankly into space
You’ve likely never been able to do this before, or only for brief fleeting moments. Don’t fight it. This is a great opportunity. It’s a fine use of your time.
The husband, long opposed to dancing on principle (not sure which one), spontaneously twerked the wife at the kitchen sink the other day! Fun! The wife can’t twerk because of her bad back, but you can! Twerk or just dance to Lizzo’s “Good as Hell,” with the Southern U marching band.
Hang in there...we're all in this together...and apart.
What You Said
From Frances in DC (and also Mexico)
“The very best mango is called a manila mango. It’s unavailable in the US but widely available in Mexico. It’s similar to the Ataulfo, but sweeter, and creamy.”
Ed: Save this, all you mango-loving, bad-election outcome, future expats!
From Molly in Manhattan
“Loved your latest Ms. piece, with all its fierce heart (plus that phantom leg). But what's really pulling me through is Our Domicile Daily. On behalf of those who might go mad without it, thank you! Keep publishing, biweekly and with absolutely no promises.”
From P.G. in CT
“I loved all the news items…and who knew that [the husband] made Queen Bee 17 times over the past 5 weeks? I guess R.G. and I will have to up our Bee game…Hope there are no more strange sounds emanating from rooms in your home.”
From Ellen in Manhattan
“What a hoot! Just what the doctor ordered. Ari and I identify completely. And I am a Spelling Bee obsessive as well.”
The Bee Hive
For NYT Spelling Bee Obsessives (we know you're out there)
Weird Word of the Week
Llano - a South American treeless grassy plain.
(So, are there llamas on the llano? Lloyd? Anyone?)
Nimbi -- plural of Nimbus
Luminous vapors or light around a supernatural being or saint
Auras around a person or thing
Dark grey rain clouds.
Queen Bee:11 of 14 days!